Advice? Struggles with Friendship

I’ve had a few of you reach out to me for advice, and help with friendship groups, and I’ve also read some blog posts lately where some of you are struggling, so I’ve decided to write this.

To be honest, this is one of the weakest areas I can give you advice on, and although I’ve titled this as an advice post, it’s probably not going to be very helpful. And it will probably be me ranting at you about my own struggles. But, perhaps some of you will find that helpful in reassuring you that you’re not the only one.

When it comes to friends, I’ve never been an expert. There are those girls with dozens of friends, in lots of different groups, and always with a clique by her side. You don’t have to be like that, I promise you. All you need is a few close friends to put a smile on your face, and you will be content. Strive to find the good in your mates – don’t aim to have hundreds, who you can’t keep up with. My advice is to strengthen the relations you have with those who build you up, and make you happy.

At primary school, I was always an outsider in my class of girls. I was bullied for a period of time, and I think this has had quite a big effect on the way I am now. I don’t talk of this often, to be honest, because it was a time which really upset me as a child of about nine. I cried on my way into the playground every morning, but I never told anyone, until it blew over when we went into separate classes.

Again. Some advice. DON’T DO WHAT I DID. DON’T WAIT THAT LONG. Tell someone! Be it a parent, a carer, or a teacher. Now I look back on it, I honestly don’t know why I didn’t. I guess my Mum had full hands with my younger brother and sister, and didn’t want to cause extra problems. But now I realise she wouldn’t have minded. All she wanted was the best for me. So please. If you’re in that situation, speak out! You don’t deserve to live in fear.

Secondary school came and I was glad to get out of that school. I settled in to year seven with a fabulous close-knit group of friends, which has been strong all the way up through the school…up until about last year.

And that’s where the problems start. Now, our group connected to a bigger group. Which is fine. They’re all lovely people!

But, I can’t cope with the size. It’s so huge. And it’s always so loud. I struggle to deal with noise as it often makes me anxious, and so I can’t cope with sitting in a huge group. Especially when I don’t have all that much in common with most of them. And now I’m not as close with my original group. Sure, a couple of them. But the others, we’ve drifted apart. And I joke about it a lot, but I’ve also cried about it. I hate how the reliance of such a strong connection has gone. I don’t like the unfamiliarity of the zone we’re in anymore. I just want my group back.

As you grow older, it’s common for groups to change. It’s life. Things change. It doesn’t mean you have to like it. But it’s the way you deal with it which defines how well you adapt.

My advice would be to try and get along with everyone, and have a laugh. Stay close with those you already are. Have fun. Be light-hearted. If that doesn’t work out, try a different group.

And here’s where my advice falters.

I spent half of break-time today crying in the toilets. And the other half sitting by myself in the LRC.

The truth is, I’ve never felt so lonely.

It’s strange, isn’t it, how you can be surrounded by so many people, and still feel out of place? Like nobody really cares? Like you don’t belong? That’s how I feel in my group.

I feelΒ lonely. Β And the loneliness is enough to make me want to do dreadful things. Things which I managed to put an end to months ago. Like hurting myself. Again, something I don’t want to go into too much detail with in this post.

I try to join in, but I say the wrong things. Sometimes they laugh at what I say, or push me away. Sometimes they ignore me altogether.

But it’s my closest friends that I miss. I don’t want to say too much, because I’m worried this might get read.

But I will say this. Today isn’t the first time I’ve hidden in the toilets, or sat by myself. I can’t cope with the group. But no-one even bothers to ask if I’m okay. I don’t know where they think I am when I’m not with them – maybe with the pastoral officer, but usually, I’m just by myself somewhere. Wishing that someone cared enough to be with me. But then I feel guilty – because I know they’d probably rather be elsewhere. I’m quite boring. I don’t make anyone laugh. LOL. THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE A SELF-PITYING POST OMG I’M SORRY AHA!

I don’t want this to be some long depressing post. To be honest, I don’t always mind being by myself. I’ve gotten used to the feeling of loneliness – and it feels natural and normal. But often I get upset, because I MISS being cared about? I miss my close friends asking if I’m okay. I used to hate it. But now it feels like they’ve moved on, and left me behind. They walked past me today when I was by myself. I don’t think they saw – fair enough. I’ve kind of just blurred into the background.Β 

It’s fair enough. They’ve all made new friends, and they’re fun, and they get along really well with them. They’re HAPPY. And that’s all I would ever want for them – they deserve to be with people who make them laugh so much! And I get it, I can’t do that. I’m not as interesting. I don’t understand memes and the jokes they go on about. I’m just not as fun as they are. Why would they ever leave others to be with me, when I can’t offer anything except a blotchy face from tears? And I’m not the most fun to hang out with, hence why no-one ever organises anything. (OMG I’M SO SELF PITYING AHAHAHAHA. I’m so bad at blogging lol)

I don’t even know how much of this is actually true or how much of this is my low self-esteem 😦

Okay I’m stopping here. I’m ranting. And if it’s read by my friends, I don’t want them hating me too much. Hence why it’s taken me this long to talk about this subject. And this wasn’t supposed to be a depressing post.

It was SUPPOSED to be an advice post! But yeah…that didn’t really work out. Sorry. Again. UGH I MUST stop apologising!

So guys. I hope you aren’t too bored of my meaningless ramblings. I have a bit of a sunken heart after writing this. I feel better. A LOT. But I also know I could have written a lot more, which I don’t want to say. Grrr. This is why writing a diary could be helpful πŸ˜€ (<< There we go, there’s some advice! Now I can class this as an advice post aha. GO write a diary to help ya!)

I hope your Monday wasn’t as bad as mine πŸ™‚ To be fair, mine wasn’t even that bad, lol. Believe me, it’s been worse.

And can I just say. After such a long post of me complaining. I do actually have wonderful friends, especially my best friends. I just take up way too much time from people and am a pain aha.

If you’ve experienced struggles with friends, let me know in the comments. Maybe we can all help each other out πŸ™‚

Love, Em x

TWITTER: @LyfWithEm
INSTAGRAM: @LyfWithEm
KIK: @LyfWithEm

If you have any queries, want to guest post, do a collab, or just need to chat, please contact me on any of my social medias, my email β€˜lyfwithem@outlook.com’, or via my contact page. Hope you’re having a lovely day!

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25 thoughts on “Advice? Struggles with Friendship

  1. This really means something to me. I feel the same way and honestly am going through a similar situation now. Not that I don’t mind being alone or whatever.. but I do like if my friends that I hang out with noticed or was aware. The only thing I can think of now is to put myself out there. To initiate. And then eventually, people might actually care enough. This is totally not rambling mate, it’s honesty. Honesty is one thing I admire about you man. You make your readers also be honest with themselves, at least for me. When I read this post or any post you write Em, it helps me come in terms with myself, to be honest and accepting with oneself is what I’m saying. So thanks mate!

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  2. Currently crying because hell, you understand how I feel. I don’t sit on my own or go into the toilets because I get scared of that and couldn’t find my way out or would get lost or something, but the loneliness I understand. And it hurts because I feel like I never contribute anything worthwhile to the conversation and god, Em, you understand me and I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me. Thank you for being so honest. I’ve missed you.

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  3. I can relate to this post so much, I left school in June and now go to a college where I’ve met new people and made new friends but I always feel like I’m intruding someone else’s group all of the time which is an awful feeling since I’ve lost touch with the majority of my group from school so I really do feel for you and hope that you find your place and feel confident in it because honestly it’s the worst feeling to feel like you don’t belong

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  4. Oh, Em – I know exactly how you feel about being lonely. In year 6 my friends and I were sitting with this other group that we sort of know well and I felt so out of place. I walked away twice because I didn’t even know where I fit. And nowadays, even with my close knit group of friends I can still feel so alone. Especially with all the drama that happened in my group last year (two people “leaving” the group to sit with another girl, who turned out to be very manipulative, one of those said people hating me etc. it was really bad). But recently I’ve gotten closer with a friend of mine and she told me that she didn’t want me to ever feel alone (I think she just meant physically, but I hope she means mentally and emotionally too). She’s a friend I can really go to and talk about anything and sometimes I do prefer her over my normal group of friends. While I do love my friend group, you have to get away sometimes, you know? So I kind of suggest you try that out – try talking to new people and form new friendships. That way, you can always have other people to talk to and hang with if you ever need to.
    And you’re not a boring, unfun person. I know you’re not. Just because you’re not interested in what your friends are doesn’t mean that you’re not fun to be around because you are! I can tell through your posts and comments and messages πŸ™‚ If you’re comfortable with it, I suggest you tell your friends that you feel excluded sometimes and would appreciate being included in the conversation. I’ve said that to my friends before (or at least certain friends) after I felt excluded for a long time and things slowly did get better. Also I saw that you wished to spend more time with your best friends – why don’t you ask them to hang out somewhere? I’m not really sure what you and your friends enjoy doing, but I’m sure whatever it is won’t only give you more time with them but also make you feel less lonely.
    Please don’t apologise for your rambling! It’s raw thoughts from yourself and it makes you who you are. Plus, I enjoy reading them and it lets me understand how you work. I hope that didn’t sound too creepy haha + I hope this comment kind of made sense! + I wish I could be there for you and give you a hug πŸ™‚ xx
    (Also, PLEASE DO NOT HURT YOURSELF. It’s not the answer to your loneliness and please don’t resort to it. I am only a message away and I am always here to talk, and I know many others are ❀)

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  5. I relate to this post so much ;^; my best friend was a fun and kind person, but now she’s going out for break with other people.. we still talk, but other people always butt in and take her away. I feel like i’m the third wheel in every friendship.. ugh ;^;

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  6. Friendship is definitely a struggle for a lot of people! This post actually inspired me to make a post on this topic. Not that I’m an expert, but I guess I’ve learned a lot by going through middle school, high school, and part of college! I might as well share πŸ™‚

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  7. Don’t apologize for rambling! By writing about all these things you are helping people who are going through similar things ❀️
    I am sorry that you cried today during school. For me I have no problem making friends, I just have a problem getting close to them and keeping them. It feels like no matter how much I want to I can’t really talk to them about somethings.
    This is a great post, you are such an inspiring person ❀️

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  8. Reading that you spent some of your day in tears has made me sad beyond belief πŸ˜” (I really hope you’re feeling better now ❀)
    I think keeping friends at high school is the worst – you stick with people to avoid being the loner of the class, even though they might not necessarily be people you have a great deal in common with, and then you get stuck trying to fit in with them (or at least I did, anyway.) I never felt that anybody at high school ever understood me (not the ‘real me’ anyway) like you say – they’re all too busy being concerned with making bigger groups of friends.
    The good news is you’ll leave school soon, and will no doubt meet a whole load of new friends 😊 and in the meantime at least you’ve found an outlet in the form of blogging 😊

    Thanks for another wonderful post 😊❀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What a great post, could really relate to it. Especially regarding anxiety around big friend groups and not knowing the right things to say. Something I too struggle with! Know you are not alone. Also had a big falling out with someone i was friends with a good while ago and it was tough. I think we all go through times when friends come and go but hopefully it will pass. It can be tough talking to and making knew friends but even a smile or a friendly hello can sometimes receive a warm smike in return. 😊 I do get how this feels though i started making friends with a new friend group and it was very daunting and nerve wrecking but was totally worth it. But as you said earlier even a few friends you can rely on is far better than a huge group. Hope you are doing okay and that things work out in your friend group. So sorry to hear you were upset! We bloggers will support each other! Best Wishes 😊

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  10. Loved this post, I felt like I related to it even thought technically I didn’t because my struggles with friendship aren’t exactly the same as yours. Not sure why I felt so connected to this post in that way, maybe it’s a signπŸ˜‚
    Honestly though, I really enjoyed reading this😊

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    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it, and could relate. I feel a bit rubbish putting this post out into the blogosphere. It’s not exactly the most helpful or most uplifting aha ❀ but I'm glad it was ok xx

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      1. Don’t feel rubbish! Yes it wasn’t the happiest thing in the word, but that’s life! You’re bound not to be happy all the time, and to me it’s nice to see human emotions other than happiness on a blog. Not saying enjoy people’s sadness…but do you get what I mean or do I just sound like a weirdoπŸ˜‚

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  11. I think the rambling really helps as well for the readers because you may be writing exactly what someone is thinking which can be a relief or a breathe of fresh air for someone! So don’t apologize for your ramblings they show that you are human.
    I use to always have drama with friends but I think as you get older you really start to sort things out and be okay with your own company sometimes. Being alone doesn’t always mean your a lonely boring person :).
    I wrote a post about friendships a while ago and titled it Quality vs. Quantity if you wanna check it out!
    Loved this post Em! Thank you for never being afraid to share a piece of your heart with your readers ❀

    Nikki O. | http://herdaringthoughts.blogspot.com/2016/07/friendships-quality-vs-quantity.html?m=1

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    1. Aw thank you, you’re so lovely! And I just read your post! I’d love to read more, but I don’t really understand how blogspot works. Can I like and comment on it? Or follow? I’m a bit confused aha πŸ™‚ X

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      1. hmm yeah I see your point! If you go all the way down on that post their is a place that says “no comment” if you click on it, it will enlarge the comment section so you can write on it. And yes I do have a follow botton on the top right side of the blog post! it should be blue! πŸ™‚ Hopefully that helps! lol

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  12. Aw Em I used to feel this way in middle school. I went to a small catholic school and had no real friends. Towards 8th grade I tried to establish myself in one group of girls and they were fairly nice to me, but one girl really hated me being with them. She didn’t invite me to anything the girls did. I probably cried myself to sleep every night for a long time. Kids are mean lol. But once I entered high school my view has changed. The thing is Em, what you’re experiencing is just a brush stroke on the canvas of your life. Your feelings are valid! But don’t dwell on this for too long. I’m so sorry you were crying today. What I suggest doing is trying to assess the situation. If on a daily basis you feel like these girls really don’t care about you, try looking for other people who do. I don’t think you are going to a school as small as mine was, but maybe you are lol. Either way, don’t let them overwhelm. Focus on the positives of the day! 😊 your life won’t always be of loneliness as you grow and meet new people!

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    1. Oh no, that’s so awful 😦 Girls can be so mean! The girls in my group aren’t like that. They’re lovely. I just don’t feel like I fit in – I don’t even know, it’s hard to understand myself. We have different interests and things like that. So often I feel a bit like an outsider. They DO care, but like I just feel a bit lonely? Ugh I don’t even know. My best friends care, I know that. I just wish I got to spend more time with them ❀ Thank you for your lovely comment and for trying so hard to help ❀ x

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Liv, I just checked your blog and saw the top post. I wasn’t around last year so I didn’t get to follow your journey. I don’t know how tough things have been, or why you decided to leave, but can I say that your addition will be a great loss to this blogosphere. Thank you for your sweet comment ❀ x

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      1. Well, who knows eventually I might come back. I’d just like to sort some a few things out, or maybe start from scratch. And my pleasure, I did miss you quite terribly while you were gone. πŸ™‚

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